For most women, a first date is an equal mix of excitement, nerves and an enormous amount of effort. And it can turn to disappointment within seconds of hearing “Hello You” (a personal ick of mine).
When I was dating, I always had at least two conversations going at once. A real one with the man sitting opposite me, and a loud, distracting one in my head, trying to work out whether I was actually interested in him.
It’s an impossible juggling act. You’re chatting about your childhood, your job and your holidays. You’re noticing the flecks in his eyes and the way he smells. You’re keeping an eye on whether you’re talking too much, and trying to read his body language to work out how he feels about you.
With all that going on, there’s precious little headspace left for the only two questions that really matter:
Do I want to see him again? Will he want to see me again?
So I came up with a system
Unless I was 100% sure either way, I used the ‘Sleep On It’ technique.
At the end of the date, he’d usually ask how I felt about getting together again. And I’d almost always say, “Let’s walk away and see if we both feel drawn back.”
Most of them looked relieved, and we usually had a laugh about it.
Why it works
When you’re with someone, their energy affects you. It changes how freely you think and say what you feel. Up close, it’s hard to tell whether you’re feeling real chemistry or just getting swept along in the moment. Give it a bit of space and distance, and it becomes much clearer.
Once you’re back on home turf, you can hear yourself think. Am I drawn back? Do I want more of that, or less? On my drive home, I usually knew the answer.
And it works both ways. He gets the same space to work out how he really feels, away from your influence.
Honesty, without the drama
My goal is to be radically honest with everyone, all the time.
How many times have you spent hours stressing about a second date you never wanted to go on in the first place, only to cancel at the last minute with a white lie? Sleeping on it puts a stop to that. It’s fairer to both of you, more direct, and more honest, with yourself and with him.
It’s chemistry, not rejection
If the spark isn’t there, a little distance takes the sting out of what would normally feel like rejection.
There’s a small but important difference between “I’m not interested in dating you” and “I don’t think there’s enough chemistry between us.” The first feels personal. The second is simply the truth. It isn’t a judgement on either of you, it’s just a matter of whether the spark is there or not.
In my experience, when you get back in touch after sleeping on it and tell him honestly that there wasn’t quite enough chemistry, he’ll almost always respond with warmth, and even gratitude, even if he’d have liked another date. It doesn’t land as rejection. It lands as honesty.
And when dates end respectfully and honestly, you look forward to the next one instead of dreading it.
Give it a go
Use this and you’ll build real trust in your ability to handle the trickier side of dating. You’ll go from hesitant and on edge to grounded and confident.