6 Ways to Let Go of Insecurity and Start Trusting Yourself
Here’s the thing. There are hundreds of people around you who accept you exactly as you are. You don’t notice a single one of them. All you notice are the few who don’t.
And most of us fear rejection more than almost anything. It goes way back. In tribal times, being thrown out of the group could literally mean death. So it’s no wonder we’re wired to want to fit in.
Fear has a job to do. It’s like headlights on a dark road, lighting up the bends ahead so you stay safe. But too much fear is like full beam in thick fog. It blinds you, and you end up losing the very thing you were scared of losing in the first place.
Sound familiar? Do you look to other people for acceptance and reassurance too?
Then you’re not alone. But here’s what I’ve learned over the years: chasing approval from other people is a dead end. Real acceptance can only come from inside you. Any look, word or reaction from someone else can be twisted and misread.
These are the things that helped me feel more self-assured, and finally stop worrying about what everyone thought of me.
1. Fear is the real enemy, not rejection
Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? It’s when you believe something so strongly that you behave in a way that makes it come true.
Say you’re convinced a group of people won’t like you. So you turn up defensive, anxious, maybe even a bit prickly. And guess what? They pull away. The rejection wasn’t there to begin with, your behaviour created it. Then you get to sit there feeling right and miserable at the same time: “I KNEW they didn’t like me!”
Take an honest look at your own habits. How does your fear of rejection change the way you behave around people? Instead of hunting for signs of what might be wrong, start looking for signs of what might be right.
Fear also loves a bit of end-of-the-world thinking:
What if they don’t like me?
What if he rejects me?
What if I don’t fit in and end up sitting on my own at the party?
None of these is the end of the world. But tell yourself they are and you hand your fear the steering wheel. The truth is, we humans are rubbish at predicting how bad things will actually feel. Most of the time we avoid thinking about it at all, which just keeps the fear bubbling away underneath.
So try this. Ask yourself: “If my fear came true and I was rejected, what are three practical ways I could cope and move on?” Then tell yourself the story (write it down if it helps). How you’d feel. How you’d let yourself be upset for a little while. How you’d pick yourself up, learn from it and carry on. Just doing this takes a surprising amount of the sting out of it.
2. Question what rejection really means
The Beatles were turned down by Decca Records, where an executive famously said “guitar groups are on the way out”.
J.K. Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected by twelve publishers. Howard Schultz was turned down by more than 200 investors before he built Starbucks. Walt Disney was reportedly turned away by hundreds of bankers when he pitched his theme park.
If any of them had taken rejection as the final word, there’d be no Beatles, no Harry Potter, no Starbucks and no Disneyland.
When someone rejects you, it says far more about them than it does about you. All you’re really seeing is one person’s opinion, and often a short-sighted one.
Give too much power to other people’s opinions and you become their prisoner. So never shrink who you are, or who you want to be, because someone else has a problem with it. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
3. Focus on how you DO want to feel
Ever noticed how, when we’re struggling, we’re brilliant at listing everything we don’t want to feel? Fair enough. But at some point you have to decide how you DO want to feel.
Next time you’re somewhere that’s making you anxious, park the “I don’t want to feel awkward” stuff. Ask yourself how you want to feel right here, right now. Calm? Curious? Up for some fun? Then stay in the present, without dragging up how someone once made you feel, or fretting about what they might think later.
Here’s the proof that this is your choice. If you were cornered by a crocodile that had escaped from the zoo, you wouldn’t give a monkey’s what anyone thought of your hair, your bum or your jeans. All of that would vanish in a second. Which tells you that worrying about what others think is something you choose to do. And you CAN choose differently.
4. Let go of always needing to be right
Part of the reason fear gets the better of you is that a bit of you believes you’re always right. If you think someone doesn’t like you, then obviously they don’t. Right?
WRONG!
If your reading of people was always spot on, you’d never make mistakes. And we all make plenty. Being confident partly means being OK with not knowing what’s going to happen, so you can relax and let things play out. Getting comfortable with ‘not knowing’ is the key to confidence in relationships and peace in life.
So here’s a new mantra. Say it, then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. I have nothing to prove. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, I don’t need to worry what they think of me.”
5. Embrace what makes you different
Constantly seeking approval means constantly worrying that people are judging you. And that sucks all the fun and spontaneity out of life.
If you’ve got something that makes you different from everyone else, don’t be ashamed of it and don’t change it. Being unique is priceless. In a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, have the guts to keep being your remarkable self. And if they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same.
Standing alone takes courage, but being unapologetically YOU is worth it. Your real friends will show themselves over time. They’re the ones who know the real you and love you just the same.
Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Use rejection to grow
When you’re rejected, it’s easy to think, “Well, that proves it. I’m not good enough.” It doesn’t. It just means someone failed to see what you have to offer.
Rejection is useful medicine. It teaches you to walk away from people and situations that aren’t going to work, so you can find the ones that will.
Will it sting? Of course. You’re human. For a while you’ll ask yourself every question going:
What did I do wrong?
Why didn’t they like me?
Why me?
Then use it. This is the important bit. Let those feelings drive you and fuel one heck of an opening to the next chapter of your story.
When you look back, you’ll often find that the times you thought you were being rejected from something good, you were actually being redirected to something better.
You can’t control everything, and you definitely can’t control other people’s opinions. So let go a little and let life happen. Often the things you can’t change end up changing you, for the better.