Let’s get the name out of the way first. Yes, it’s crude. And yes, it’s a bit daft that the ultimate compliment for confidence revolves around the size of a man’s bits. It doesn’t do much for the feminist cause, or for any man who isn’t feeling particularly well endowed.
But here’s the thing. Big Dick Energy has nothing to do with what’s in anyone’s pants.
Urban Dictionary sums up BDE as “confidence without cockiness”. It’s the quiet self-assurance of someone who has nothing to prove. Think of it as writing a cheque for £25,000, knowing full well the money’s in the bank.
Who’s got it?
Idris Elba. Tom Hardy. Robert Downey Jr. Harry Styles.
And it’s definitely not just a man thing. Women can carry BDE every bit as well. Rihanna is brimming with it. Serena Williams? Lashings of the stuff. Cate Blanchett? Possibly the biggest BDE of them all.
How to spot it
BDE is low-key. Some people seem to be born with it, others grow into it over time. Either way, it’s never loud.
Someone with BDE is relaxed in their own skin. They’re not shy or quiet, but they’re not arrogant either. And they’re certainly not overcompensating for anything.
They walk into a room with a bit of attitude, but it’s not try-hard. There’s no cocky swagger to get noticed. They just stride in like they belong there.
They give off the sense that they’ve got their life together. They’re easy to get on with, people like spending time with them, and they make everyone around them feel good.
So can you get some?
People will tell you that you either have BDE or you don’t. I don’t buy it.
The trouble is, there are a lot of mixed messages out there about confidence. Most of the advice reads like a pretentious Instagram bio. “Believe in yourself.” “Be true to who you are.” “Be a strong, independent unicorn.” Lovely. But slogans alone won’t bring out your inner Beyoncé.
(And yes, everyone has an inner Bey.)
What actually works is a few practical changes.
1. Edit your circle
Confident people are choosy about who they spend their time with. They steer clear of the energy suckers. The ones with a permanent raincloud over their head. The ones who don’t support you, or who belittle you in front of other people. Some people just aren’t worth having around.
I know it’s not always that simple, especially when the toxic person is family or someone you work with. You can’t always cut them out, but you can set boundaries. Show them their behaviour won’t be tolerated by walking away or distancing yourself. Don’t engage. As Michelle Obama says, “When they go low, we go high.”
2. Trust your gut
Confident people listen to their instincts. They know when a situation feels right and when it doesn’t, and they act on it.
Your intuition picks up on things long before your conscious mind catches up. So next time you’re stuck on a decision, have faith and go with your gut. On a date? Especially then.
3. Roll with it when plans change
Plans change. Things go sideways at the last minute. Someone with BDE doesn’t panic. They get practical, find a solution and adapt.
Watch out for that little inner voice that says, “Oh no, I can’t cope with this!” You can. The more flexible you get, the smaller those fears become.
4. Stop waiting for approval
It’s all too easy to rely on other people to make you feel good about yourself. But hanging around waiting for compliments that never come won’t do your self-esteem any favours. The best confidence boost is the one that comes from within.
The real secret
That’s what BDE really is. It doesn’t depend on anyone else’s opinion, so nobody can take it away from you.
And when it comes to dating, there’s nothing more attractive than someone who’s truly comfortable in their own skin.
So go on. Find your inner Bey and let her out.