Do you want to change, but are too afraid?
As The Singles Life Coach I meet a lot of interesting, intelligent women searching for a new relationship. But frustratingly, they don’t pursue what they truly want because deep down, they have a crippling fear of rejection, failure and humiliation.
So, they trade excitement and happiness for comfort and self-preservation.
Most of us are afraid of change, just as much as we yearn for it.
We want a partner to take us on romantic weekend breaks and to enjoy long lazy breakfasts or cosy movies with, but because of a painful relationship history it’s much safer and less effort to stay just as we are. We completely ignore the guy that smiles at us on the tube whilst we obsessively wait for a call from an ex-lover who cheated on us, because we have convinced ourselves ‘he’s the one’.
You have to ask yourself, ‘what is this life for?’ Visualise yourself 2 years from now, in the same position, with the same routines every day, week in-week out. How does this make you feel? If this vision of your future fills you with joy, then good for you. You are clearly very happy.
But if you yearn for more from life, for love, for a partner, for passion and excitement or simply someone to sit quietly with, safe in the knowledge that this is your person, your ‘other half’, then, lovely girl, change is something you have to dive into and embrace wholeheartedly.
Change is part of life and whilst there are plenty of positive changes we all actively seek, for most of us change represents uncertainty, insecurity and worry. The truth is, change isn’t easy to deal with. But like it or not, we are powerless to prevent it. I know how fearful it is to break out of that safe little comfort zone, but change is simply life’s natural way of forcing us to grow.
You have been conditioned to believe that if you want to change, you need to take action.
But that usually just paralyses us into doing nothing because we are terrified to leap into the unknown. But it needn’t be terrifying if we take baby steps.
What precedes ‘action’, is ‘thought’.
Before you charter any course, you need to set the sail. But you can only do this if you know where you want to go.
For those of us disenchanted with our lot, we know we want something else, but we don’t know what that is. We are so tired and full of busyness that it’s easier to sleepwalk through life without ‘thinking’ about how much of it brings joy and which parts are just grey and bland routine.
Or we have been programmed to believe that ‘it’s not for the likes of me’.
Mostly, we simply don’t know what we don’t know.
Our minds cannot possibly know the infinite possibilities available to us if we were to just open our eyes and minds to them. We find it so much easier to be caged in by our self-imposed limitations, the habits of our friendship groups or the beliefs our parents instilled into us.
So, if you can agree that before any action, change begins with a thought and that we can’t possibly know every opportunity the universe has to offer, then it makes sense to start your process of change with what you do actually know. And I suggest that you start getting clarity on this by having a mental clear-out of stuff you don’t want.
‘Think’ about what, in your life causes stress or does not fill you with joy, love or happiness.
Listed below you’ll find 5 ideas for you to think about, which will set you on a course to learn to embrace change. Remember, these are just your thoughts.
You are learning to be aware, getting curious. No need for bravery, you are taking no action.
Just write down what you actually think about the things in your life today.
1. What’s holding you back? What do you need to break free of?
Some situations, places, hobbies and people have expiration dates. As you grow and change, so do your needs. Has your career stagnated or are you continuing with a hobby that actually bores you stupid? When was the last time you had a wardrobe clear-out, or changed your makeup regime? Are you still friends with someone just because of some sense of loyalty to longevity, but you no longer have anything in common with them?
- How much do you resist the unknown for fear of the opinion of others?
How often do you think something is a good idea but then decide it’s stupid or boring once you consider how the people around you will react? To what extent does this toxic habit impact on your life? List the things you haven’t done for this reason alone.
3. How much you romanticise about the past?
Where do you live in your head? What’s better about your fantasies than reality? Are you afraid to live in the ‘today’? What is missing from the present?
4. When was the last time you were passionate?
This could certainly be about sex, but doesn’t have to be. When did a piece of music move you to tears, or a rainbow or thunder take your breath away. When was the last time you laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe?
What can you do, where can you go to find passion? Maybe drive to the beach and enjoy the sun dancing on the ocean and the sand in between your toes. Buy yourself a ticket to the opera or savour over a new bottle of wine you are tasting for the first time. Listen to the top ten records in the charts today. Listen to all ten all the way through, keep an open mind and make notes on each one. Surprise yourself! Just do something that you can find passion in the ‘now’.
- Think about what you actually want your life to look like in 2 years’ time
Let your imagination go crazy, what do you want in your wildest dreams?
(Remember, anything is possible. Within 2 years of meeting my husband we were married and my whole life had completely altered. A year or so later I had totally changed career.)
All you are doing at this stage is simply figuring out what no longer serves you. Where you are stagnated, treading water, biding time, wasting energy?
It is crucial that you don’t think about ‘how’ you can change anything, because that leads to ‘action’ which will cause you to paralyse again.
Also, don’t think about ‘repercussions’ (if I leave my job I won’t be able to pay my mortgage)
This is the very first step of setting a new course for your life, if you think too far ahead you’ll get in a pickle.
Just play ‘what if? Get curious and acknowledge the parts of your life that aren’t doing it for you anymore. This simple, new awareness itself will ignite something.
Given that our minds cannot possibly know the infinite opportunities out there for us, just keep an open mind. And trust.