Are you living and breathing Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly? Have you been to the gym 4 times this week? Marie Kondo’d the kitchen? Bagged the promotion? Filed your tax return on time?
Are all your dreams perfectly unfolding Eat Pray Love style?
No? No shit Sherlock!
This is a subject so close to me I get embarrassed just thinking about it.
PROCRASTINATION
You’ve likely heard the anecdote about the frog in hot water. Simply put, if a frog is placed in hot water, it will instantly jump out, but if it’s placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and be slowly cooked to death.
Hoping that nobody has actually done this to a poor frog and pointing out that it’s just a metaphor, I do think the story has some powerful lessons.
Unless you start to pay attention, instead of kissing one, you could end up as a frog.
For me personally, I put a lot of energy into strategies to stay focused because I can easily turn into a butterfly, flitting from flower to flower. I have struggled with my weight my whole adult life.
Yo-yoing between a great figure to being properly fat dozens of times and I have suitcases of clothes of all sizes. I know I’m not alone, the majority of women are unhappy with their weight. And it isn’t like we don’t know what to do. Every person in the world knows that if you eat less and move more you’ll lose weight. So, lack of information ain’t the problem here.
The biggest problem we have is ‘tomorrow’. ‘I’ll start tomorrow’.
The same can be said for falling in love.
I’m not suggesting that there is an age limit on falling in love, of course not, I’ve built a whole business proving the contrary.
What I’m referring to here are the excuses we make for staying single.
· ‘All the good ones are spoken for’
I’m still getting over a divorce
· ‘I’m waiting until the children are older’
· I’m not good at relationships’
· ‘I’m still not over my ex’
· ‘I’m too fussy’
· ‘I’m too busy in work at the moment’
I don’t know how to flirt
· ‘It’ll happen when it happens’
Some of those statements could be absolutely 100% true. If you genuinely don’t want a man in your life yet and you are 100% absolutely telling the 100% deep down honest to god truth.
Then good for you. Stop reading this and go do something else.
When I was single and people (all the time) asked ‘Why are you single?’ ‘When are you getting married?’ or even better, ‘You’re not getting any younger you know, you’re going to miss the boat’ I would want to SCREAM ‘I don’t fucking know!!!’ because the questions were always so bloody annoyingly stupid. I didn’t want to be single, it wasn’t a choice.
This is not what I’m talking about in this post. What this is about is the excuses you tell and believe yourself that are keeping you single.
However, if these following statements are truer for you, this post might be useful:
· ‘All the good ones are spoken for, but I’m sure the right one is out there somewhere’
· ‘I’m waiting until the kids are older, but I’d love a man around to relax with’.
· I’m not good at relationships, but I’m sure my match is out there somewhere’.
· ‘I’m still not over my ex because I haven’t got anyone new to think about’.
I would love to learn how to move on after a divorce
· ‘I’m too fussy, but I’m sure Mr Right can’t be that hard to find’
· ‘I’m too busy in work but I would love someone to go out with on weekends’
· ‘It’ll happen when it happens, but it would be nice’.
The problem is, when life is actually OK and you are enjoying your work and kids and friends, you stop realising that you have built around you a life of excuses for not finding love. There are millions of women all over the world who have careers, family, friends and love too. It’s not an either/or proposition.
Truth is, if the right guy knocked on your front door, the lame excuses would evaporate into thin air. But if Mr Dreams Come True really came rat-a-tating on your front door, he would likely be coming to plant a money tree in your back garden.
If you think love is somewhere up the rose tinted road but not for now, then you are procrastinating.
How many of these are propping up your procrastination habit?
· Fear
I’m afraid of being hurt. I’ve got a fully paid membership to the rejection hotline. It’s too much effort. I don’t want to build up my hopes just for it to go wrong again. As soon as I let the barriers down & he discovers the real me, he’ll leave.
· Overthinking
When would I see him? What if the kids don’t like him? What if I fall for him, then when he sees me naked he won’t like my body? What if he doesn’t get on with my friends? Where would we live? He won’t like me when he gets to know me, so there’s no point.
· Perfectionism
When I lose weight. When I’ve got the promotion/finished my exams, I’ll have more free time. When the kids are not around. After I get back from holiday (& I’ll have a tan)
· Dating phobia
What will I talk about? I don’t know how to flirt over text. I’m terrified of kissing him/sleeping with him. What if I don’t like him, how will I get rid of him? Do I pay?
· Habit
You’ve got into the habit of being single. It’s part of your identity now. You have built a momentum around your schedule and can’t see where you can fit a guy in.
· Sleepwalking through life
This is the silent/invisible one. You are numb, disconnected to the idea of love and passion.
Then you wake up, blink and another year has passed without love.
Taking Control.
Procrastination is our way of completely relinquishing control of ourselves. It’s a bit like binge drinking or eating your body weight in cake. It’s so easy to do it, mindlessly with no self-control.
The ability to focus, overcome distractions and take control is a skill to be mastered.
We waste our lives with a lack of self-discipline. We tell ourselves we are going to the gym, but then we don’t. That’s lack of self-discipline. Of control.
What really are you really waiting for? You will never have this time again. Who could you be if you had complete control over your love life? How do you get started with building a healthy ritual of self-discipline when you have so many changes to make?
Write down a list of the reasons you give to yourself and others for being single,
(‘I’m too busy’ etc.) Then, write the emotions you feel about being single (fear, overthinking, sleepwalking through life.)
Take each emotion and think about how valid it is. Then think about how much these ‘old stories’ are costing you.
It takes courage to be truly honest but there is a power in knowing yourself, which leads to greater control, which leads to clarity and focus.
Besides it’s never a waste of time if you learned something. And for the truly wise, tenacious, creative and patient – something good always does come along.